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| Parental Comparisons: An Intergenerational Practice | | | Dr. Satwant Singh Rissam
Exam season is around, and so is the time when parents often compare their children to others, saying things like, “Why can’t you score like your cousin?” or “Look at the neighbor’s kid who topped the class.” Such parents feel that this habit pushes children toward success. However, if you talk to psychologists, it does more harm than good, especially to youth. Therefore, parents compare without knowing its negative effects on young minds, and hindrance to nurturing growth. In short, comparisons create pressure instead of progress.
Several reasons drive parents to compare. First, it’s a habit passed down from their own childhood, mostly from their parents. Specifically, parents who faced comparisons themselves often repeat it unconsciously. Moreover, they grew up hearing similar words and believe it builds discipline and ambition. In fact, psychology calls this intergenerational transmission—parenting styles like comparisons pass from one generation to the next. As a result, parents copy what they saw, thinking it worked for them. Additionally, not all are “negative” people; many mean “well” for their children but lack awareness about the negative impact it causes. Besides, in places like India, society adds pressure too on parents and they start fearing that their child will lag in exams, jobs, or marriage prospects.
As a result, they observe high-achieving friends and start to worry about falling behind. Our brains naturally use comparisons to stay motivated, a concept known as ‘social comparison theory’. This is also seen in Jammu and Kashmir, where young people compete for limited government jobs and college admissions. Parents often compare their children’s ranks or skills to help them face the challenges of life. The negative effects start at an early age but are most damaging during youth. Between the ages of 13 and 25, young people are developing their sense of self. During this time, their brains are especially sensitive to judgment, making them more vulnerable. Constant comparisons can really hurt their self-esteem and feel like they’re not good enough. This can lead to anxiety, depression, and a lack of confidence.
Research shows that youth who compare themselves to others experience higher stress and are more likely to want to give up. They may also start to believe they aren’t smart or capable. Sibling competition can make this worse, with one child becoming the “star” and the other the “failure.” This leads to emotional strain within families. In youth, this stress often shows up as rebellious behavior, trouble focusing on school, or withdrawing from friends and family. This age brings peer pressure, also pressure by parents on children for exams like JEE or NEET add to the problem in young people’s lives because targets and comparisons steal joy from life of the growing generation.
Thus, creativity fades away; young people choose safe paths instead of pursuing their passions. Also, in sports and arts, they quit because they’re afraid of failing. Because of this, mental health problems increase—surveys show that comparing oneself to family members is connected to youth depression cases. In areas like Jammu, youth unemployment makes things worse. In fact, parents use comparisons to “toughen” their kids, but this only makes them feel hopeless. Instead of strong, confident leaders, we end up with adults who are insecure and always looking for approval. Comparisons also don’t work as a real source of motivation and in turn kids stop listening when they hear negative words. Instead, praising effort is more effective to take young people in the right direction.
So, experts suggest using positive role models who inspire without directly comparing. Parents can break this cycle. To start, they should become more self-aware. For instance, they can ask themselves, “Am I repeating the same behaviors my parents did?” Next, they should focus on their child’s individual strengths—track their progress, not that of others. Furthermore, creating open and supportive conversations helps. As a result, young people grow in an open and supportive environment. At the same time, schools in Jammu should hold workshops on positive parenting before annual exams to help the families with young growing children.
Communities can also run campaigns that say “every child is unique” at different times of the year. The role of media becomes critical if it also focuses on showing different kinds of young people succeeding, not just the top achievers. Similarly, governments could offer support through counseling for families who are feeling stressed due to their child. Raising awareness even helps children from difficult emotional situations become better human beings who spread positivity rather than comparisons. So, celebrate what kids do, accept their differences, and watch them succeed because happy families raise confident children.
Dr. Satwant Singh Rissam (Media and communication professional, an author with a Ph.D in Law and PGDHRM) |
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